Thoughts on Love and Loss
During this month that is often associated with love and sweeping romantic gestures, I find myself thinking about real love, in all its forms. I’m reading a book right now called “From Scratch” by Tembi Locke and it is hitting me hard. I hope to talk about it more in greater detail at some point but it is a memoir of the author’s experience falling in love, losing her husband to cancer, and then her journey after his death. It is hitting me hard in all the best ways but it is taking me some time to get through it. It is resurrecting the loss of loved ones but it is also bringing their memories to the forefront of my mind. Like the stories my Auntie Carole shared. The way her Easter sugar cookies always had a hint of lemon in the frosting. The nights she stayed up late with me so we could have a Shirley Temple movie marathon. This book also has me reliving her final days. The moments of clarity. The way she would surprise us all by saying something so funny out of the blue.
I had the opportunity to hear Tembi Locke speak at an author event at a museum here in town last week and it was wonderful. She radiates with light and love and warmth and it was such a pleasure to listen to her and to meet her afterwards. She talked about a moment she shared with her father during her college years (I believe). He told her that there are many people that one can love, but the key is finding someone you can live with. Someone you can build a life with.
I have thought so much about his statement since hearing that. Isn’t it true? I think it might be the indicator for true love. For me, love is not defined by expensive dinners or over the top moments, but by quiet steps toward each other. Towards building a life together. I was recently struck by a story Tembi Locke shares in her book how when she was in the midst of the chaos of caring for her husband during his chemotherapy, she had a friend who had gone through a similar experience with her own husband. As Tembi shared her thoughts and feelings with her, her friend kindly let her know that Tembi could leave if she wanted to. As you can imagine, Tembi was appalled and balked at the idea of ever leaving her husband, especially in that moment. Her friend then essentially said that if she was going to choose to walk this path with him, to be all in. To choose and lean in to every step on this path with him. Goodness gracious, isn’t it so simple but so profound? All in, not just when it is convenient or self serving, but at all times.
I recently finished reading Emma by Jane Austen and I loved Mr. Knightly’s famous words - “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.” It makes me feel like love is sometimes expressed through words, but most often through those small steps towards each other. One morning this past week, I woke up to a pot of fresh coffee my husband had made earlier that morning. He always stops to play with our dogs in the evenings when their energy levels are unbearable, no matter how exhausted he is from his day. And he will do the dishes when he knows it makes me crazy to come home to dishes in the sink. That is true love.
Tembi Locke shared towards the end of her event how her book starts off with how she fell in love with an Italian Chef and ends with the agape love between herself and her mother in law, her family, and her community. Romantic love is not the only love that should be celebrated. The loved ones that stop to fold one’s laundry during a particularly hectic time. The ones that drop everything in the midst of a family emergency to bring by food or pick up kids from school. That is true love.
Tembi Locke shared something briefly in her talk about how loss adds a certain depth and gravity to happiness and joy. It is interesting how both beauty and pain can be so intimately entwined. During those last few weeks with my sweet Aunt, I felt like we were simultaneously walking through deeply painful moments, as well as overwhelmingly beautiful moments. Beauty and pain. Grief and love.
I was talking with my sister today about loss. We both agreed that in many ways, we are better for the losses and pain we have experienced. Walking that path with my Aunt her last few weeks was incredibly hard and I would not have wanted any of that for her or any of us if given the choice. But somehow, after going through the experience of losing her, my values have changed for the better. I don’t get as wound up about the little things that bother me. I also take note of the small things throughout my day that I have to be thankful for. When I heard her speak last week, Tembi Locke said that loss makes you value your happiness when you have it. And that she recommends leaning into it.
It is a thought that has stuck with me, the idea of leaning into happiness. If you had said that to me years ago I might have thought it sounded selfish and that it was somehow wrong to be happy. But now I feel differently. I think it is a marvelous thing to find oneself in the midst of happiness. And even more so, to value every minute of it. It is a thought I want to keep close to me. The idea of leaning into happiness and leaning into love and living to the fullest, that is what I want.
What are your thoughts? Have you read From Scratch? Are there any books that have hit you hard lately?